January

the 9th was the one year anniversery of the terrible symptoms that sent us back to the hospital, where we waited for hours and hours and hours, then we got the scan, it was back. TUMOR #2. Damn it all. It was worst than the first in a way. We had no doubt that we would be in the 40% of people that this new chemo would help. Oh, my darling, how brave you where when your whole life was crumbling in front of you. Tomorrow will be one year since brain surgery number #2. I remember waiting in that tiny waiting room. They wouldn't let me go back into pre-op while he was getting undressed and what not. *heavens forbid his wife should see him naked!* I just didn't want him to be alone. I needed to be there for every horrible moment. Hold his hand and tell him it would be okay, and I loved him. Good God. The man was having brain surgery, and surgery that was a testiment of the spread of a desease he coul never shake. Those where some of my most dark moments. waiting alone. We where best friends, how could they keep him from me when He needed me the most, when I needed him the most. Didn't they realize this wasn't just proceeder for another surgery. This was a huge moment in our lives.
Worst of all is the 21st. The five year anniversery for our first kiss, just five years ago we finally got together. I had no idea that in 5 years my darling would be gone forever. I really thought we where just starting our lives...and that we had years left together. I don't know what I am going to do. My first anniversery without him. January 21st has always been such a special day for us. Oh God, what am I supposed to do without him????? I don't know what to do.

The feelings this terrible loss produces is like nothing I have ever felt. I am so afraid of a life without Jordan. I don't know if I can stand it. I wish I could just end this whole terrible thing. Losing jordan is not just losing a husband. He was who I am. A body can't live without it's heart. I am just a shell, functioning so as not to cause more pain and loss to my family and friends. But if they weren't here I would just lay down and die.

I would go somewhere lovely. I would lay down and I would let myself feel. I would feel all the fear of this last year. All the anxious waiting that I couldn't let myself be afraid because I had to be strong. I would hold tight to the devistation, I would let it squeeze me so tight that I felt the breathe start to leave my body. But this time I wouldn't shake it off. I would hold hands with dissapointment and let it brush the hairs away from my forhead and whisper, "Your right dear,it wasn't supposed to be this way. " I would watch the envy clouds in the sky. I would hate every shape I saw. Because they all looked like the the babies we will never raise and the house we can never buy. Nope, they will just keep sailing past me, on their way to every other young couple. I would pierce myself with anger at the injustice, that no one had the power to protect us. And then I would watch the sadness drain out, sliding down my arms and as all the sadness dripped out I would would watch our life pass before me. With a smile on my face I would sink into out memories. Playing in the snow. Our first kiss. car rides on a sunny day. And I would finally give in to the sleep. I would finally allow rest overtake me. Sink comfortably against the fatigue. Enveloped finally in the rest that has eluded me for 1 year, 3 months and 2 days. dizziness and lightness. I would feel the luxury that we could not allow ourselves. The right to give up. My body would become so heavy and sink into the ground and my spirit would become so light it would float away. My soul would turn into music notes the would accompany the song that you have become. Together we would dance on a fretboard, humming off key. Below us the trees would shed all their leaves. Every smile we forced, every brave lie we told eachother blow away. The burdens we bore, the medical bills, all the pills will blow away. Blow away.

I am so sorry. I wish I coulod have saved you. protected you. I am so sorry you never got the chance to take care of me. I know that is all you ever wanted to do . I am sorry that you died still talking about what you wanted to do when you grow up. What a heavy burden dreams must be to a dying child. I am so sorry, bab. I wish I could have done something.

100 things...really!?

Okay so I stumbled apon this website...a guy named dave or something. And I read about his self challenge to go a year with onehundred personal items or less. Woah. I love getting rid of stuff. Giving it away...throwing it away...purging. It cleanses the soul!! But I am not sure if I am up for that right now. I feel like I have lost so much this last year, with Jordan and both roberies, I would like to know that I can hold on to something if I really wanted to. So I don't think I will be taking this challenge right now, I have got enough challenges to keep me ocupied for now. But I do want to thin out my stuff some and I begin to move and sort throug hmy things. Only have things I really want, like, and use and eliminate all the other pointless things. So maybe I will do my top 100 online since I am NOT doing it in real life...at least not yet.

1. (new)Bed

2. Winston

3. Childhood piano

4. Great-grandpa's armoir

5. Guitar

6. sonicare

7. makeup

8. Girly books

9. Afew DVD's

10. Laptop

11. IPOD

13. Couch

14. Rocking Chair

15. Coffee table

16. Chandelier

17. night stand

18.jeans

19. jeans

20. jeans

21. t-shirt

22.t-shirt

23. t-shirt

24. t-shirt

25. nice shirt

26. nice shirt

27. nie shirt

28. nic pants

29. nice pants

30. skirt

31. skirt

32.dress

33.dress

34.dress

35.dress

36. purse

37. purse

38. flip-flops

39. boots

40. tennies

41. heels

42. heels

43. heels

44. blow dryer

45. round brush

46. pony tails

47. bobby pins

48. curtains

49. cardboard deer head

50.-60. framed pictures

...to be continued

wow...that is alot of my stuff already!

Little did I know when I first hear this song that it would become my story

And it came to me thenThat every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time

As I stared at my shoes in the ICU

That reeked of piss and 409

And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself

That I'd already taken too much today

As each descending peak on the LCD

Took you a little farther away from me

Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines

In a place where we only say goodbye

It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend

On a faulty camera in our minds

But I knew that you were a truthI would rather lose than to have never lain beside at al

lAnd I looked around at all the eyes on the ground

As the TV entertained itself'

Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room

Just nervous paces bracing for bad news

Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head

But I'm thinking of what Sarah said

That love is watching someone die

So who's going to watch you die

So who's going to watch you die

So who's going to watch you die

"What Sarah said"- Deathcab for cutie

another change...

After the first of the year I will be moving again. I am so excited to report that I have bought my first "big girl" bed. Furniture is So expensive! This is my first endevor to build my credit. It is a really big step for me that I am doing things to plan and invest in my future. A future without my best friend. I know he would be proud of me, though. I was a little sad tho, because I know he wouldn't like the bed that I chose. But I know that if he where here he would say "baby, I am dead! I don't care! Get whatever bed you want!" He was so funny!

As silly as it is. I am kinda excited about having a new room. This one will be about twice as big as the one I am in. I am wanting to really "nestle in." have a space that is my own where I can make myself a nook, where I can be safe and comfy. (sigh) I want to decorate it really nice, where I am surrounded by happy peacefull things. Just even imagining it lowers my blood pressure 10 points. Down side= it will be expensive to buy all new things, and decorate. upside= I don't have to spend that money on chemo!!

Still so excited about applying to hygiene school. My lover would be so proud.

New SpringWidget

Well, alot has happened since I last updated. I will make it as brief as I can. my house was broken into again. This time, sine all the valuebles where stolen, they just took household things. movies, lingerie, cookware, clothing, all the jewelry, SS cards and birth certificates, checks, ect. A little bit of everything. I really can't go into all of it...it is so painful. but since then I have had to follow up with several business where they wrote hot checks to. I have to explain that my husband is dead so he did not write this hot check to wendy's. and as for the checks with my name on them, I don't get off quite so easy. I have to get police and bak report... all this extra trouble. (Like I don't have enough to deal with!!) I am pretty irritated with it! So after all that I decided not to live by myself. <(the people who robbed me twice live across the street. And they have been bailed out of jail, so they are still there. And the other day, the police told me that they where arrested for chasing a guy down the street with a knife and then when that failed, trying to run over said man with his own vehicle.)> They are on so much drugs. Drugs bought with my money. OKAY. I said i wasn't goign to talk about it so I will just stop.

I decided to give this thing another shot in hopes of finding some other widows. My plans now include moving again. I have been staying with Jordan's best friend and his family since the robbery, but that was just a stopover place. It has been good, but I think the next people I am staying with will be more long term. I have also decided to start back to school. This is a really huge step for me to ever think about. But that is what Jordan wanted. He wanted me to go back to school and finish. He also wanted me to remarry...but we will wait on that. Anyways, I am applying for dental hygiene school next fall. I am surprisingly excited about this. It is pretty competative, so I am going to be so proud if I get in.

I guess I should keep this short if I ever hope for someone to read it. Today is the 3 months anniversery of jordan's death. God, I miss him. Life without him is totally not worht it. I really wish I was dead...that God had taken me with him. But he didn't...so unfair.

5 weeks

Tomorrow will be five weeks since Jordan died. It will also be the one year anniversery of the seizure that first introduced me to the unraveling of an otherwise perfect life. Obviously, I am not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. (sigh)

I am not sure if I will actually keep up with this blog or not. Probably not. But if I do I am hoping maybe it will bw of some use to someone. Whenever we were in hospice, I was surprised to find a major lack of support or info for young widows. I found nothing in my state, and not much more online. So maybe if I actually stick with this blog it will be a resource for someone.

I am 20 years old. Married to my childhood sweetheart for alittle over a year. We had 4 healthy months together before we found the cancer. Rare. Incurable. Quick. Devistating.

So after a year of watching my best friend die alittle every day, I find myself alone... Without a clue as to what to do next.