Little did I know when I first hear this song that it would become my story

And it came to me thenThat every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time

As I stared at my shoes in the ICU

That reeked of piss and 409

And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself

That I'd already taken too much today

As each descending peak on the LCD

Took you a little farther away from me

Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines

In a place where we only say goodbye

It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend

On a faulty camera in our minds

But I knew that you were a truthI would rather lose than to have never lain beside at al

lAnd I looked around at all the eyes on the ground

As the TV entertained itself'

Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room

Just nervous paces bracing for bad news

Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head

But I'm thinking of what Sarah said

That love is watching someone die

So who's going to watch you die

So who's going to watch you die

So who's going to watch you die

"What Sarah said"- Deathcab for cutie

another change...

After the first of the year I will be moving again. I am so excited to report that I have bought my first "big girl" bed. Furniture is So expensive! This is my first endevor to build my credit. It is a really big step for me that I am doing things to plan and invest in my future. A future without my best friend. I know he would be proud of me, though. I was a little sad tho, because I know he wouldn't like the bed that I chose. But I know that if he where here he would say "baby, I am dead! I don't care! Get whatever bed you want!" He was so funny!

As silly as it is. I am kinda excited about having a new room. This one will be about twice as big as the one I am in. I am wanting to really "nestle in." have a space that is my own where I can make myself a nook, where I can be safe and comfy. (sigh) I want to decorate it really nice, where I am surrounded by happy peacefull things. Just even imagining it lowers my blood pressure 10 points. Down side= it will be expensive to buy all new things, and decorate. upside= I don't have to spend that money on chemo!!

Still so excited about applying to hygiene school. My lover would be so proud.

New SpringWidget

Well, alot has happened since I last updated. I will make it as brief as I can. my house was broken into again. This time, sine all the valuebles where stolen, they just took household things. movies, lingerie, cookware, clothing, all the jewelry, SS cards and birth certificates, checks, ect. A little bit of everything. I really can't go into all of it...it is so painful. but since then I have had to follow up with several business where they wrote hot checks to. I have to explain that my husband is dead so he did not write this hot check to wendy's. and as for the checks with my name on them, I don't get off quite so easy. I have to get police and bak report... all this extra trouble. (Like I don't have enough to deal with!!) I am pretty irritated with it! So after all that I decided not to live by myself. <(the people who robbed me twice live across the street. And they have been bailed out of jail, so they are still there. And the other day, the police told me that they where arrested for chasing a guy down the street with a knife and then when that failed, trying to run over said man with his own vehicle.)> They are on so much drugs. Drugs bought with my money. OKAY. I said i wasn't goign to talk about it so I will just stop.

I decided to give this thing another shot in hopes of finding some other widows. My plans now include moving again. I have been staying with Jordan's best friend and his family since the robbery, but that was just a stopover place. It has been good, but I think the next people I am staying with will be more long term. I have also decided to start back to school. This is a really huge step for me to ever think about. But that is what Jordan wanted. He wanted me to go back to school and finish. He also wanted me to remarry...but we will wait on that. Anyways, I am applying for dental hygiene school next fall. I am surprisingly excited about this. It is pretty competative, so I am going to be so proud if I get in.

I guess I should keep this short if I ever hope for someone to read it. Today is the 3 months anniversery of jordan's death. God, I miss him. Life without him is totally not worht it. I really wish I was dead...that God had taken me with him. But he didn't...so unfair.

5 weeks

Tomorrow will be five weeks since Jordan died. It will also be the one year anniversery of the seizure that first introduced me to the unraveling of an otherwise perfect life. Obviously, I am not looking forward to going to work tomorrow. (sigh)

I am not sure if I will actually keep up with this blog or not. Probably not. But if I do I am hoping maybe it will bw of some use to someone. Whenever we were in hospice, I was surprised to find a major lack of support or info for young widows. I found nothing in my state, and not much more online. So maybe if I actually stick with this blog it will be a resource for someone.

I am 20 years old. Married to my childhood sweetheart for alittle over a year. We had 4 healthy months together before we found the cancer. Rare. Incurable. Quick. Devistating.

So after a year of watching my best friend die alittle every day, I find myself alone... Without a clue as to what to do next.